stuff i would never tell you

As I sat across from you, your whole being intoxicated me.

The way you laugh. The way you spoke. The way you smile.

I wondered where have all the times gone with me not knowing your existence.

But you didn’t know that.

When you held my hand and told me how lucky I was. You were right. I was lucky and you were the star I wished upon that made me lucky.

But you didn’t know that.

And all those late night talks. All those late night binge-watching. All those jokes. All those subtle gestures. They linger in my mind.

And I think, will it all mean something else? Can it mean something else?

For you, it didn’t. But for me, it meant the world.

There was nothing I could do about it. Not now. Not ever.

We had an expiration date. You moved on and I needed to do it too.

So I spend the days away from you. Away from a feeling I needed to avoid. If I fall into the abyss of it all, I would never return. I would have spent the rest of my life hoping something that isn’t real.

But, I saved myself from it.

Still, you didn’t know about that.



“It’s you that you’re running from,”


Photo by Pablo Garcia Saldaña on Unsplash


Note to self: Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t compare yourself to someone else. Don’t hate yourself. No one else will take care of yourself other than you. It’s not a race. You are your own. You may not change the world and that’s okay. You may not be special to the whole world but you are precious to a bunch of them. You’re not a loser. You’re not lost. You never were.

There comes a time when you’ll want to scream and cry. It’s okay. Do it, get through it, take a walk and come back stronger.

Spread love, make love. Good manners don’t cost anything. Neither does generosity. Once again, it’s not a race. Enjoy life as it is.

23/8/2017 s.j.r

Rocks and Beaches.

Despite an uneventful Eid; my dad was away for most of it because of work, we did go on a short road trip to the Tip of Borneo.




I feel truly blessed to call Sabah my home.


Things You Can Control #2

Your attitude.

Maintaining a positive attitude is hard work. Obviously, not everyone can manage to be a ball of sunshine 100% of the time.

But it’s better to try than never at all, right?

Who likes a sour face? Who likes a hot-headed man? Who likes a rude person? Who likes a moper?

Chances are, you don’t really feel comfortable dealing with people like this. It takes a great amount of energy to interact with these people. They’re like soul suckers. They suck the positive out of you and turn you into one of them.

I agree. There’s a lot of shit going on in the world. But there’s also a lot of amazing things going on as well. A lot of chances to be taken.

I’m not saying you should ignore the bad things and live in an ignorant bliss. I’m saying you should acknowledge the positive things and work on how you can spread the love so the bad things could subside in some ways.

Negativity doesn’t pay. Being rude doesn’t pay. Shitting on life (and then don’t do anything to make it better) doesn’t pay.

We live in an ever-changing, ever-improving world. Being a pessimist is a mediocre thing to do. Being rude is a basic thing to do.

Do yourself and the entire universe a favour and control your attitude. Change it if necessary.

Inspired by Ruben Chavez of ThinkGrowProsper.




Lines and Sketches #15

I drew Lili Reinhart again.

The first season of Riverdale is ending tomorrow and I am a bit sentimental. It’s been a fun few months obsessing over the cast and shipping and all that fangirl stuff.

I think I’ll just have to draw more of the cast to deal with the hiatus. 

On a more educational note, I find asking others’ opinion help me improve my drawing skills. I’m not one to annoy people with my drawings but it’s necessary. I feel sorry for the people who are close to me 😂. 

I’ve been drawing a lot lately. I did a drawing of my grandfather recently. Now, I’m doing one for Mother’s Day (it’s a surprise for my mom! She’s been asking me to draw a portrait of our family. But I’m going to surprise her with a drawing of her first!), 8 portraits also for my mom to use in her class and another of Miles Heizer (that guy that plays Alex Standall in 13 Reasons Why, which is also another series I’m obsessed with).

It’s a lot. I’m actually procrastinating by writing these posts.

Till next time.


Unusual Encounters (at least for me)


Living in Sabah, it’s very rare to see hitchhikers on the road. At least those ones that are portrayed in movies (you know, those people carrying a huge backpack over their shoulders, putting their thumbs up in the air when a car comes close hoping to get a free ride). I don’t know about others but for me, it’s not a common thing to see here.

So when I do see one, I get really excited. Don’t judge. I get really, really excited as if I’m meeting a celebrity.

Last Saturday, I saw a guy on the road. I thought he was some homeless man because he was pulling some stuff by a cart thing on the side of a busy road. I looked at this man, my friend who was driving was also expressing her confusion, and I saw the sign he was holding. It was a cardboard sign with the word ‘AIRPORT’ written on it with a black marker. In that split second, I looked at his face and he was beaming with his smile. He was practically skipping to a car that had stopped for him.

I don’t know why but it made me so happy.

I went home and told a friend of mine about the little encounter I just had. And she reminded me of another hitchhiker (or probably just a guy on the side of the road, but he was a white guy in an Asian country,  though) I met about two years ago.

I was on my way to my kampung when we drove past this man. I vaguely remember him looking like Chick from Bates Motel (a little more clean cut and a shorter beard). He wore a bunch of colourful clothes, I figured it must be the traditional clothes he’d acquired on his ongoing adventure. As we drove past him, his eyes met mine and I must’ve looked like a kid getting her birthday cake because he smiled at me, with his tired eyes.

And just like that, he made my day. For a whole week, I developed a crush on this unknown man I saw on the side of the road. That weird moment made me long for a life that I’ve never had.

I wish I had the chance to talk to these men and listen to their stories. Oh well. Wherever they are, I hope they’re safe and still having fun with their adventures.


Amongst The Clouds

After running 6 laps, I sat on the spectators seat to enjoy the view. The rainbow decided to show up for a brief moment before the dark clouds swoop over, covering the setting sun’s rays.

If I could train or work out in a place like this every day, I’d be the happiest most Zen person in the world.

My heart belongs to this town and another place I’ve never been to.